moving forward carefully.

I have been thinking a lot lately about falling asleep at the temple.

Its amazing how feelings that we have inside ourselves can intimidate us. We can feel a love so strong that we are scared of what it means... Or we can feel a love so mild mannered that we think that it is okay and we can just hold onto that forever.... never rocking the boat of passion or excitement.

Some people seem to be more comfortable with the idea of just accepting the easiest answer and just going with it and others are strong and attached to old ideas.

Work for it.... That is an old idea.... It seems in this day and age that if one must work hard for something they are instantly put off by whatever it is they are working for and then they give up... lower their standards and settle into whatever boring option they have been given.

I am VERY glad to say I have found myself surrounded by "workers". People who feel the need to improve their lives by sheer brute force.

I am forever grateful for the sleep I had at the Temple in 2011 because it will always be something I am working for.

<3

Clarity

A lot of time had to pass for me to be gain my voice again.

Rain, sun, tears, anger, love and many changes.

I am once again living close to the lake. The thunderstorms are starting to roll in slowly and the rain is coming down in buckets...

Since we last spoke I have lost a best friend who turned out to be less of a friend than previously thought and I have gained/lost a lot of perspective.

Currently I am pulling myself out of the hole I allowed myself to fall into and I feel like I am making a lot of progress quite quickly.

Granny and I are working on a company that will allow us to both flourish in ways that neither of us can really even comprehend right now.

My Depression was briefly eclipsed by a beautiful trip down to Tennessee where I re-connected with quite a few old friends but upon landing back in Canada the weight that had been lifted off my shoulders almost instantly crushed me. I hit the bottom I suppose.... Its easier to be weighed down by something heavy than it is to catch an anvil that is being thrown at you... but at least the joy I felt in Tennessee was bright enough that it seems to have guided me to at least the edge of this hole.

We shall see how this year continues... Its been tough so far but I think I might have found a way to the other side where the grass is most certainly greener.

Part two.

When I arrived in Vancouver at the Airport I was tired and grumpy but I refused to allow that to seriously effect the rest of my evening. I first managed to hike my computer and other crap up to where you jump on the sky train. It was the weekend so all public transportation in the city is one price. YAY! NO ZONES!

However the fact that I was at the airport meant that it was close to seven dollars. 

Obviously I didn’t end up paying and instead decided to risk it. Ian (Saltspring Ian) showed up and we decided to go for a beer on the way out to the ferry.

I always appreciate all the time I get to have with Ian. He is one of my favourite people and I wish I could see him more often but such is life. We talked about the past and the present and a bit about the future.. Gabgabgabgab.

After that we went back to his house to grab a wireless router and so I could leave a note for Taylor who wasn’t at home.“I licked your stuff so now it is all mine!!! MUAHAHAHAHA! ps this is Niamh”



The trip out to the ferry was dull but I got to stare at the highway and look at all the BC license plates. When I got on the ferry I made sure I ate my favourite ferry food. French Fries with Gravy! YUM! Its soo gross but I like it for the Nostalgia factor.

On the Island now. As per usual I had a crappy first few days that included things like spending time with some people who only ever manage to make me feel tense and unwanted. Thankfully I smartened up pretty quickly and started spending time with those I love.

It all started getting better on friday morning, I arrived on tuesday. I woke up and started thumbing it to the south end where I was picked up first by a very nice man who was the father of a good friend of mine in elementary school. He didn’t remember me but thats fine because I didn’t remember him either. He dropped me off about a ten minute drive from where I was going and I got picked up by a funky old hippy almost immediately after. He told me about this water he has that has healing properties. He was interesting and I told him I would do an article on the him and the water if he liked and gave him my email address. He hasn’t ever gotten ahold of me. I’m not really surprised.

I arrived at Gary McNutt and Andrea Palframan’s house in the south end where they had coffee and cookies ready for my arrival. I didn’t really know what to expect but after four hours of talking I basically came to the conclusion that life was wonderful. Andrea gave me a ride almost all the way home and I slept soundly that night. 



The next day was saturday. My cousin was on the island and it was time to enjoy being around her. She is 11 and a fantastic cousin. We watched adventure time, played in the park, read books to each other before bedtime, ate cookies, watched tangled, searched the house for bacon at all times and other random things that were fun. When I was leaving to go visit some of my friends on sunday (mothers day) she cried and told me she hated that I lived so far away. I hate it too sometimes.

I hitched out to Fulford again so I could see Lauren during/after her roller derby practice.  I watched the girls rip around the track and listened to the mix that Aiden gave me before I left ontario. Pseudo personality - Devotchkas was playing in my head while the girls tried strategized for their upcoming game. 



After they finished Lauren told me that I was getting kidnapped to the farm house and I had no say in the matter. I’m going to be honest even if I did have say in the matter I would have skipped the whole way there. I missed the farm house and I love everyone who lives/has lived in it. 

We started to rip the grass out of Lauren’s soon to be garden and talked about random things I cant even recall. I talked to Mishi for a bit and then was informed that I was now being kidnapped for a family event.

Going to Chocolate Island where we would roast hotdogs on the fire and eat chocolate while enjoying the beautiful day. 

The boat was tiny so we had to go in groups of two adults and two kids so it took a lot of trips to get us all over there. I was in one of the first boats so I got dragged around the island by two foot tall human beings who refused to wear shoes but complained that their feet hurt. I tried to carry as many as I could at a time but I only managed two.

We found a geo cache and had gluten free hotdogs (really hard to find) till the water extinguished our fire. 

That was a great day.

Since then I have done a Cob House building workshop, Geo Caching, more work with Gary and Andrea, crab fishing, sailing, staying up till five am talking about politics. I love working in the news room here even though I kind of wish they were pushing me harder.

It’s been about a month since the last time my foot was anchored in Ontario. Tripping around the island I grew up on has been a wonderful experience and I can’t help but smile every day.

I first landed in Seattle where I spent time with a few old friends. I landed in the airport and immediately found myself concerned about where to go... They have a subway inside of the airport that ships you from terminal to terminal.... I did not like that...
My bags consisted of a gigantic backpack filled to the brim with clothes, camera gear and two pairs of non practical shoes, my camera bag filled with more camera gear, a tripod slapped inside another bag and my Imac. I did not pack lightly but considering that its a month now I feel like I’ve run out of clothing options.

After lugging my things off the conveyer-belt I noticed my lovely friend Pete who is saved in my phone as “Pete! Camp Awesome!” One gigantic hug later we were off to grab some food before I would get shoved on a ferry.

We stopped in what another friend referred to as a “Luchador Bar” and grabbed some beer and burritos! Yum! It was really wonderful to see Pete and I’m glad he was the first face I saw when landing on the west coast.

After dinner he dropped me off at the ferry and I experienced a moment of nostalgia while floating above the pacific ocean. The boats going to Bremerton are slightly different than the BC Ferries but there is still something about being on a large craft with  the same sort of feel that you get when on one of the BC Ferries. 

Upon disembarking the ferry in Bremerton I noticed that there was no one there to meet me. This pissed me off a great deal because of how heavy everything I was lugging around was. I ended up finding Ian obviously drunk though he still denies this and sleeping on a bench inside hidden. Not the best start to a visit but that is the way it goes when one visits Ian it seems.

I don’t really have much to say about the visit to Bremerton other than I was glad to head back to the city after a few days. Ian is wonderful but I really just don’t have the patience more than half the time. The best part of Bremerton had to be when Ian came home from a visit to the store with a lawn gnome that I had seen a few days earlier and said I wanted.

I got to Seattle again and Pete helped me lug my stuff to his office where I ditched him and explored the city for a few hours on my own. Seattle is surprisingly friendly and I was shocked by how many people were genuinely interested in talking to a complete doe eyed stranger. I don’t tend to start conversations with strangers till I’ve had a few drinks but Seattle made a point of starting conversations with me. 

I hiked up the hills and made passing comments to new friends about how everyone in this city must have the firmest nicest bums. How it would be impossible to live in this city and be over weight. I’m sure that there are a few but for the most part the entire city or at least the parts I saw were filled with healthy looking happy people.
I personally really loved Seattle. After spending a few hours reading comics and avoiding the rain in a gigantic glass building aka the library. I decided it was time to head back to Pete’s office down by the ferry.

We went grocery shopping, wine shopping, dropped my things off at the apartment and got ready to go out to a party that was likely to be filled with those inclined to dance in the dust of Blackrock City. I was exhausted but we managed to stay out till about two am. We had a lot of plans for the next day so sleep was necessary.
Waking up at seven in the morning I tripped around the house trying to be as quiet as a mouse while Pete slept for a few more hours. When he did wake up we went out for breakfast and then jumped into the car to visit the Freemont troll. Trolling down Troll Ave past the billy goats we took a few hundred photographs of things like caterpillar mustaches, us jumping off the troll ducks with foot fetishes and pregnant pups jumping on sharp rocks. I picked up some coco nibs and a bracelet from a friendly shop owner that we thought would never stop talking. It was starting to get late and we were hoping to miss rush hour so we hopped back into the car and went to see the best view of the city. 

This was a long day but when it was all said and done we watched mad max, drank a bottle of wine and both slipped into a mild coma.

For me the next few days were a blur. I know a lot more happened but I couldn't tell what happened during what day. I remember a wonderful second hand store in a town that reminded me of southern california but I think that may have been the day we visited the troll. I remember going to the art museum and checking out the market but I think that was the day I left. It’s all a gigantic wonderful blur of smiles and hugs and just feeling great about the world.

Reconnecting with those I met on the Playa has given me a lot of Joy recently and I cant wait to see more of my Playa family. Lovely people with hearts as big as the sun and imaginations as big as the universe. 

I’m in BC now living on the island I grew up on.... I think this is the first of several chapters and maybe I should wait till next time to write about the island but just know that this experience has been nothing but wonderful. I am so happy to be here.

He plays the bass... he has red hair... he flairs his nostrils when he is concentrating... he always wears a toque to keep the hair out of his face... he gave me a kurt vonnegut book to read that made me giggle so much that someone on the train asked me to be quiet...

He has a tattoo of a pretty woman on his right calf... his body is coated in images of things he loves and he has startling blue eyes... He is my best friend.... He makes me smile during the worst days and makes me angry sometimes on the best....

I don't want to leave and he is making me think it might be a good idea to stay.

So.... I'm moving on friday and my heart is just not in it....

I dont want to move.... I dont love it here at all but I do love a few people here and I just dont know how I am going to cope with the day in day outs of life without those people.... without the opportunity to see them every day.... without the choice to jump into a cab and kick it over to their house...

Without them pulling me on their longboard.

Without leaving the grocery store with two pies because who can choose when it comes to pie...

without someone to steal sweaters from...

without the midnight walks down to the river.... without sitting on the rocks talking till I almost fell asleep...

Without chocolate and juice in those fucking tiny juice containers that make my carbon footprint huge....

without having to worry about how to cook food because we all know onions are the devil...

without punk, metal, rock, hiphop and the likes....

without my ginger collection.

I really don't think I can do this....


I went puddle jumping on my way home today... I couldn't hold back the tears... I know I need to keep it together but I just cant... I'm a mess and I really dont feel bad admitting that anymore...

I can't leave this place yet...


I cant leave these people yet...

I cant leave this person yet....

I cant leave this person....

I dont know what I'm doing anymore.

Inspired. I have been nothing but Inspired in the last week.

I have been inspired by light, faces, memories, wind... Yes.... Wind. The way it goes through things and how you can see it...

Water....

My friends.

And so it goes... The photo Blog has been getting updated almost daily at this point.... I hope this continues.... It feels good.